Our generation tends to be a stubborn group nowadays don’t we? It’s not hard to look around and see how we like to fight and stand firm for the things we want. We don’t like to give up. We don’t like to view things as out of our reach, even if they so clearly are miles from our fingertips. So we try to be flexible. We come up with new methods and semi-solutions to bring us a little closer to what we want.
We tend to do this the most when it comes to our relationships.
It’s easy to notice that we’ve created different types of labels to fit out needs. We have one-night stands and hookups; we have casual relationships and serious relationships. We have effortlessly come up with new names for different categories based on our interests and desires- and in some ways maybe this is perceived as easier. I mean, how can you communicate what you want to someone if you don’t have some kind of name for it, right? When you know exactly what you want, it’s necessary to clearly make that known to the person you have your eye on so you can avoid any confusion.
But what about when what you want and what they want doesn’t see eye-to-eye…but you want them anyway?
You start compromising. You start settling for the gray and complicated minefield of “almost.” You don’t fit into the molds that you’ve come up with. You’re not a one-night moment, or a few hookups and followed by a full-fledged disappearing act. You’re also nowhere close to anything serious, despite how you might have passing moments that feel like they belong in that context- only to question the next day what you guys are or why they ignore you for days in a row.
Almost is just another word for “uncertain”, and almost is never as close as you think it is.
I know it seems like almost is better than nothing because it feels so close. You keep a tally mark on how many great days you have, and you dissect the meanings and conversations with you friends. You constantly re-read the sweet texts and replay those romantic moments in your mind over and over again, because this is the part that you crave. You try to ignore the days when you see a message from someone else popping up on their phone—where you bite your tongue because you’re not exclusive—or the days that they feel cold and distant, giving no explanation to their sudden change. You continue to hold a death grip on the good times and say it is better than nothing.
It’s tempting to believe that some perfect moments in the middle of radio silence and miscommunication is better than nothing; but it honestly isn’t, even if it seems that way. Every single day you’re wearing your heart down because all you want is to have them hold you and tell you that you’re exactly what they want, but they never can seem to reach the same place you’re striving to be. They are always going to be looking back at all the options; they are going to cling to the idea that they would rather hold dozens of fantasies and possibilities in their arms rather than simply just you.
Almost is never good enough because it’s a silent narrative saying, “You are never good enough.”
It’s a consistent reminder that you are only as good as what you give when you are with them, but you are not worth more than a few fleeting memories that will fade all too soon. It’s a reminder that you may be wonderful, but that some people simply want something different. Regardless of how much you compromise, some people aren’t going to compromise for you- they don’t have to when you’re the one doing all the reaching and taking all the steps back into a middle ground that doesn’t benefit either of you.
Because you are not a casual-only type of person, and they aren’t in search of a serious relationship. And to pretend that either of you is okay with calling each other “almosts” and viewing each other as pawns that only have to move a few spaces over before one of you converts to the other’s whole-hearted desire can only be described as painfully unfair.
Even if you feel like you’re only a few steps away from something real, in reality, any number of steps away is too far. Because what you deserve is someone who is on the same page as you, and can give you fully what you want without restraint and hesitation. Let me tell you that if something serious and something real is what you long for, then you need to stop holding onto this almost person and allow yourself a chance to find what is going to make you full happy.
Because you deserve more than to be almost happy. Almost in a relationship. Almost in love. You deserve to have all of those things, to the fullest extent of your heart.
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